I was Peter Hayes
by batr
Summary: Collection of short moments from Caleb's point of view, starting from the point where he first met Peter. Caleb continues to narrate certain events that take place in Insurgent and Allegiant, so beware of spoilers for both books. Probably better to read companion piece "I am Caleb Prior" before this one.


I can't believe The Stiff actually shot me! I didn't think she had it in her, but looks like I was painfully wrong. Here she is, aiming a gun at me and telling me to get up.

"You want him to walk?" asked a guy next to her, looking a bit pale in the face. I snort in amusement when he asks if Tris is insane, and I'd give my own opinion in the matter if the pain wasn't keeping me distracted.

"Did I shoot him in the leg?" Tris barks at the guy. "No. He walks."

For some odd reason the guy comes to me, putting his arm around me in effort to help me get up. I want to tell him to get lost but instead I let him support me. The Stiff has a clear idea where she wants to go, and I have no other choice but to lead them there. And I don't really mind a first row seat to seeing her taken down.

* * *

Tris really is insane. She is planning to face Jeanine on her own and somehow thinks she'll be able to rescue Four. I wonder how long it will take for this charade to be over so I could get my damn arm looked at, and hope Jeanine takes out The Stiff quickly. Or actually, scratch that, let her be taken down slowly and make it painful. My legs betray me so I end up on my knees, watching how Tris disappears through the door; good riddance. The guy, Caleb, comes to stand next to me and he looks like he is about to pass out himself. Can't really blame him, he just witnessed his father being shot thanks to The Stiff, so I'd probably be a little pale myself if I was in his shoes.

* * *

That crazy girl actually pulled it off, I can't believe it. Four is back in his senses and all hell is breaking out, and I get the opportunity to choose if I'll run with this group or stay. I consider my options, if I stay I will be blamed for letting this happen, but there is no guarantee that if I run that things will turn out any better. I look at the group that I'd run away with and I can't explain why I find myself running with them. Oh, how much worse can it get?

* * *

Getting on the train was a task on its own, but getting off is another issue. I curse under my breath and jump when I see Four flying out the car. The pain is excruciating as I land and I have to bite down hard to stop myself from yelling. Marcus helps me up – apparently today everyone is just volunteering to be my crutch – and we start walking after our oh-so-fearless leader Four, heading toward the Amity compound. He leads with Tris by his side, Caleb walks after them and I hear him sniffle on occasion, and Marcus tags by me. I consider just telling him that I don't need a guard dog, but his expression is so filled with concern for my well-being that I might vomit if I opened my mouth.

* * *

I've just gotten out of Amity's sorry excuse for a medical center when I spot Caleb. He's too busy being miserable to notice me, so I follow him. When it becomes clear that he isn't on his way to join Tris and Four, I decide to talk to him.

"You." I start and he jumps, turning to me in shock.

"Peter, right?" he asks after he has regained his composure and I nod, looking at him from head to toe. He looks like he could try running from me any second

"You're The Stiff's brother." I point out, walking closer to him just in case he does decide to run. I feel a smile tugging at my lips when he doesn't immediately jump to defend his sister – like Four would've – and he just asks about my arm. I stop just a couple feet short from him, and consider the question for a moment.

"They did all they could but looks like medical care is not their best trait." I'd shrug if it didn't hurt.

"No, it's not. Erudite has all the best medical care supplies." Caleb says with a distinctive amount of pride in his voice that catches my attention.

"Picking that up from general knowledge or..?" I ask, noticing how uncomfortable he looks that I acknowledged his words. He is quiet for a moment before he says: "I'm Erudite."

I move closer to him, wanting to keep this sort of conversation a little more private just in case someone would happen to walk in on us.

"You transferred from Abnegation to Erudite." I have to say it because otherwise it would just seem like a crazy idea. "But now you are here, wearing Stiff clothing again? Doesn't seem to be common knowledge that you are not who you appear to be."

"I left once I realized everything was not how it was supposed to be." he states, but doesn't look me in the eyes. "And I chose to dress like my old faction to avoid any prejudice that might follow. This is not a good time to be Erudite."

That's definitely him getting defensive. I poked at something that he's hiding from sister dearest, but I know better than to press it directly. Instead I just smile, lean a little bit closer and like one conspirator to another I ask: "What did you sister take?"

He looks at me, his brain working fast and coming to a decision. He leans closer and tells me what I want to hear.

* * *

Well, operation "get the hard drive from The Stiff without an incident" didn't go nearly as well as I hoped it would. Instead I got attacked by that insane girl again and had to learn the hard way what Amity does to keep their people so mellow. I'm sure that Tris has by now hidden the hard drive better or just destroyed it, and knowing her it's probably the latter. I'll just need to figure out something else then. Not my best week.

* * *

Dauntless are coming. If I had the hard drive, this would've been the perfect time to switch to the winning side but since I don't, I'm forced to attempt blending into Amity. I change into their clothes, and make my way to the dining area, quickly noticing that the others have taken up to mixing with the Amity folk rather than sit together. I have no problem with blending in, but I want to be close to someone from our little rebel group just in case things go wrong. I pick a familiar face closest to me, just happens to be Caleb, and sit next to him. He acknowledges my arrival with a simple glance at first but soon he turns to me with a huge, forced smile on his face.

"Heard you attacked my sister." The words sound funny coming from him with that expression, so I just have to laugh. The Dauntless soldiers start walking between the tables, looking for anyone that might stand out as different but I don't feel worried

"I didn't get what I went in for." I tell Caleb, flashing him my best smile.

"Probably doesn't matter, she destroyed it." He says, struggling to keep a carefree expression on.

I had suspected Tris would do something stupid like that, but the confirmation still annoys me. That was my one sure ticket to good graces with Erudite, but now I really need to come up with a new plan.

"Did she now." I say thoughtfully, and Caleb laughs with me.

* * *

It had to be Four to ruin everything for us. I'm sure that guy can't look happy even when he's doing it with The Stiff, but then again I don't think anyone would be happy in that situation. Guns start going off and everyone scatters. I find myself in the line of fire, and saved by Tris much to my surprise. She looks equally shocked about it, so I doubt she meant to, but it gave me a chance to run.

I push people in the line of fire in my place as I run and manage to secure a clear path to the tree line. There I stop to look back, watch the Dauntless fire aimlessly after those that are still running because they are completely unprepared to go after everyone. I scan my immediate area but I don't see Four, Tris, or... Caleb anywhere.

I guess it's just me then.

* * *

I made some good distance between myself and Amity and headed toward Candor. Unfortunately that was not a good place to stay as the other Dauntless had set up camp there, so I just decided to walk straight into Erudite and be done with it. Better to take my chances there than to keep hiding with the dirty Factionless. Even if they just threw me in a holding cell I'm sure that I will be able to convince them that I am useful. I know Eric will vouch for me as soon as he gets back from wherever he is, and Erudite must need more Dauntless if they want to take care of their little problem. So I'll just wait.

* * *

My plan to charm myself into Erudite good graces hasn't been going well – they won't trust me. Things are looking grim as I'm once more being lead back to my cosy little cell by two goons, but then I see someone I did not expect to see.

It's Caleb, and unlike little old me, he is able to walk unguarded and is dressed like Erudite. He looks shocked to see me, followed by moment of hesitation he asks my guards if he could talk to me. Luckily the meatheads are too bored to actually care, so they step away and let us have little privacy.

"What are you doing here?" he asks in a rushed tone and steps closer to me, like he is afraid of something.

"Interesting question coming from you." I note, suddenly amused by his distraught expression, flashing his wide eyes to me and I note that his eyes are grayish green. The blue in his clothes really brings out the green in them, muting away the gray. He looks.. attractive.

"Did you decide that gray wasn't too flattering so you decided to come back to blue?" I ask, half-grinning and lean a bit closer to say: "I admit that it suits you better."

Caleb looks almost traumatized by my comment, but he bounces back quickly and demands an answer. He glances back at the two guards, who are becoming restless.

"Some Erudite you are if you can't even figure that out. I'm here for the same reason you are, but I just wasn't as convincing as you. Didn't have anything to offer." I manage to say before one of the goons is already forcing me forward.

* * *

Only one day after I saw Caleb I'm let out of my cell and taken to see Jeanine without the goons holding me down all the time. She wants to know why I want to join Erudite, and attempts to charm her turn out to be unnecessary as she's already found use for me. Somehow she knows that I've been associated with Tris in the past, and asks me for ways to get under her skin. I'm more than happy to provide some ideas.

* * *

Dressed comfortably in my new Erudite-approved get up and free from my introductory duties, I stroll the hallways, searching. It takes me a while to actually find him because Erudite headquarters is build like a damn maze but I finally locate the right room.

"You," is the first thing I say when I see him. He doesn't jump like last time, and turns around calmly.

"Are you perhaps not aware that I have a name?" he asks, raising one eyebrow at me in a way that makes me want to smile for some reason.

"Come to think of it," I walk closer slowly. "You never introduced yourself."

He holds his head a bit higher, full of confidence that I previously hadn't seen in him. "I assumed you heard it from somewhere else." He says, sounding pretty much like all the other Noses I've talked to.

"I did, but is that a reason for you not to tell it yourself?" I shoot back, and he actually smiles in response.

"My name is Caleb." He offers, still smiling. I don't know why, but I bow slightly as I introduce myself to him and he seems amused by it. Time to get what I'm actually here for: answers.

"You are the reason why I'm not sitting in that joke of a cell, aren't you." I know it has something to do with him because progress only happened after I saw him and he doesn't deny it.

"I told Jeanine you could be useful to our cause." Caleb says matter-of-factly, doing his best to seem casual. I search his face for any indication to why he decided to help me, but whatever it might be, he is not letting it slip through. But one thing is very clear to me now.

I owe Caleb a great deal.

* * *

The first thing Caleb asks me when he sits next to me in the cafeteria is what faction I originally belonged to. It's not unusual, during the last few days I've found him spending more and more time with me; often opening conversations with questions.

"I'm sure you have your own opinion, so say it." I prompt.

"Obviously Abnegation is out." He says it like it would be something to be ashamed of, so I don't dignify him with an answer.

"And I wouldn't see you in Amity either." Caleb continues with a smile forming on his lips.

"I'm hurt you don't think I'm full of friendship and peace." I snipe at the opportunity, but he isn't phased by my tone. Then he asks if I was from Erudite, and I can't help but to grin at the mere thought of me growing up here.

"Why?" I hold back an outright laugh.

"I'm trying to evaluate why you came here instead of going back to the others." he reasons, and I wonder if he is just slightly annoyed that his guess was wrong.

"Did you think that maybe I just came to the Dauntless here?" I ask, gesturing toward some of the other members of my faction. "And that I don't really give a crap about Erudite?" I expect that to derail him but he is holding his own.

"It did occur to me, but since there are technically two Dauntless groups now, you could have chosen either one and still be considered loyal to your own." he has a good point and he obviously knows it, so he asks: "Why this side?"

I pause and think over my answer, finally settling for: "Well, I didn't even know where the others were so I just came to the side that was easier to find." It occurs to me as I say this that it might not be smart to lead him to think that I'm easily swayed to switching sides but for some odd reason I don't think he would tell anyone.

"You were born in Candor, weren't you." he states in mock monotone and I don't even want to stop myself from laughing.

* * *

I should be questioning my... connection to Caleb. Ever since I was let out of my leash to have more responsibility and placed as Caleb's bodyguard I've spent plenty of time with him. I tried to keep him at arm's length but somehow he managed to sneak closer, and now knows a lot about me. He doesn't seem bothered by what he's learned, and he treats me like he did before, which is weird. He seeks my company out even when I'm not there, and he talks like we're... friends, or something. By this point I've usually already used a naive fool like him for something, but he... Caleb is different.

I need to figure out why.

* * *

The Stiff walked into the Erudite headquarters and just gave herself up. She is such a predictable bleeding heart it's disgusting. Still when the news about her arrival reach me, my first thought is not on her but on her brother. How's he going to deal with this? During our extended talks I haven't been the only one doing sharing, he has confessed to still deeply caring for Tris and wishes there'd be a way for her not to be harmed. We both know that's impossible with her being what she is, but he still hopes.

I was asked to collect Tris for Jeanine and while I enjoy the opportunity to gloat at the Stiff, I still feel like I should be looking for Caleb instead. But no can do, I'm doubling as Jeanine's mock bodyguard now – thanks to the good word put forth by Caleb and Eric – so I have duties to uphold.

* * *

He has become slightly better at keeping the truth from me. When he asks me about Tris, he makes it sound like his interest is purely because of the research but I know better. He gets a glassy look in his eyes if I say she's been hurting, and I wonder if he'll be able to handle this or not. He tries, he does, but is it enough?

* * *

Caleb is a mess after he's faced Tris for the first time. He comes back from that encounter shaking, eyes red from tears he already wiped away, and his appearance reminds me of the first day we met. He looks utterly broken, and I feel an urge to do something about it. I'm so used to being the cause of people being broken that I don't understand why I'd want to help, but the urge is persistent. I can't comfort him, it's not in me. What would I even say to a guy whose sister I once tried to kill myself? I can't be there for him. When he shakes his head indicating he wants to be alone, I feel relieved. I'm sure this feeling of wanting to do something in this situation will pass. It wouldn't benefit me in any way to risk something when things are finally going well.

Would it?

* * *

Caleb has been avoiding me, he's simply been working or been in his room, presumably crying. It has started to annoy me, so I decide to go to him without an invitation. I find him sitting on his bed, back toward the door and he doesn't even turn as I enter. He must know it's me because he starts talking.

"They will execute her." he sounds hoarse. "When Jeanine is done with the experiments, there won't be any need for Beatrice to be alive any longer."

I hang my head and shut my eyes tight, his tormented voice feels like it's piercing my body, but I don't know why I'm having such a reaction. There is nothing I could say to make him stop being like this. I don't see Tris' death as a problem, and isn't that just something he will need to deal with on his own? Not my concern.

"She'll be dead, just like..." his voice breaks before he can finish, and I curse under my breath. It's not my problem, it really isn't, but I can't just stand here.

"I can help." the words come out so quiet that I think he didn't hear me. For a second I hope he really didn't hear me and that I can just pretend I said nothing, but then he turns around.

"You... can?" he doesn't sound like he believes it, and I can't blame him for that. I can't believe what I'm doing, but I close the distance between us so we can talk in whispers.

"I'll be there when she is killed, and I can do something." I tell him and he leans a bit closer, his wide eyes still watery as he whispers: "What can you do?"

I feel like backing out, telling him to just mind his own business, but the look he's giving me reassures me. This guy will get me in so much trouble yet I don't worry all that much.

"Well, I figured since you are the Erudite that you would make the plan and I would just follow it." I tell him, and break into an uneasy grin that must betray how insane I am for doing this to myself.

* * *

I have to admit that it's something incredible to watch how Tris keeps pulling herself out of simulation. Caleb once noted that they weren't able to figure out how she does it and that not knowing was driving Jeanine up the walls. I finally believe that when I see Jeanine threaten to shoot Tris if she won't reveal it. When Tris attacks Jeanine I have to step in and drag her out, triumph all over her and Jeanine looking broken for the first time that I've known her. It makes me think about what we're doing here, and that maybe – just maybe – I'm not ruining anything by helping Tris escape.

* * *

I check that the hallway is empty before I close the door behind me as I enter Caleb's room. "It's time." I tell him, and from the looks of it Caleb hasn't been sleeping at all. He's just half dressed and looks ready to vomit any minute but he acknowledges me with a slow nod.

"When you get out..." he starts quietly, raising his eyes from his feet to meet me. "Don't tell her I had any part in this."

"You don't want her to know?" I thought the whole point of this little adventure was for him to get Tris to like him again, but it seems this guy still has some surprises to throw at me. But there's a more pressing issue emerging from his request: "What makes you think that she will believe I did this out of the goodness of my heart?"

"Think of some excuse. Please, Peter." He sounds desperate and I won't argue with him about it. I can't really face him when is looking at me with those eyes, so I just nod and am about to leave when he calls my name again. With my hand on the handle, I look over my shoulder to meet his eyes despite not wanting to see him like that.

"Where will you go?" he asks like the question only now occurred to him. We never really did discuss that part, but it wasn't what needed to be worked out. I've managed this far so I will continue to do that, and I tell that to him. I think we're done, but he calls me the third time.

"You don't owe me anything, and you don't really care about my sister. So why are you doing this?" he stares at me, pleading for me to give an answer that would satisfy him. But I can't. I'm not entirely sure of the answer myself. There's something nagging in the back of my mind that claims to be an answer, but I have refused to take that into consideration this whole time and won't start now.

"You know why," is what I tell him and then leave the room before he has the opportunity to reply. I stand in the hallway for a good minute or two, pulling myself together from an emotion I'm not entirely familiar with. This is the last time I will see Caleb, but why should it bother me?

* * *

I can't believe how smoothly everything goes. Caleb considered multiple ways how everything could go wrong, so I was expecting to be forced to think on my feet sooner or later but everything goes just as we planned. Jeanine doesn't suspect a thing when Tris is pronounced dead, she just looks mildly victorious about it. I start taking Tris toward the morgue like I'm supposed to, but then head for where Four is locked up. It was my idea to include him in this little getaway because I had a feeling The Stiff would just walk right back in to save him anyway, so might as well do all the saving at once.

The escape is no trouble at all, and while I had my doubts about Tris believing I was the mastermind behind her rescue, she seems to buy into my explanation. While I still don't understand why Caleb wouldn't want her to know about his part, I'm relieved that I don't have to decide if I should betray his wish or not.

* * *

Being Factionless isn't all that bad, at least they have plenty of food. They also have people that hold grudges against me, so that's a bit of a minus but I guess I have very little options left. At the very least the woman in charge seems to be fond of me and wants me to join their cause. This is of course absolutely hilarious since she is Four's mother so just for the hell of it, I agree to join; but I'm definitely not going to be doing any fighting for this raggedy group. The plan is to take down Jeanine and Erudite once and for all, but I'm not interested in any of it. They can do all of that by themselves.

It's not like I'd have any reason to go back, is it. Caleb the traitor is surely... dead.

* * *

It's pretty clear that this city is done for after Erudite lost its power. There's no order and people are screaming for end to the faction system, so when opportunity to leave arrives, I want to be part of it. The former Erudite in charge of it, Cara, is surprisingly easily persuaded into letting me into the team. It raises some complaints from Tris but not enough to cancel my participation, so I start getting ready. I want out of here, I want somewhere far away. This city has felt like a cage for too long now. I'm ready to go.

* * *

I stand by the open train door and watch as the fence gets nearer, I've never really thought about what's on the other side before this moment. As soon as I see Uriah leave the car before mine, I jump as well. Immediately after landing I feel like I'm being watched and quickly find out why. The sight of him here makes me freeze. I was sure he was dead – I dedicated a lot of time reminding myself that I didn't care that he was dead – but now he's here and he is alive. Caleb looks almost as shocked to see me and he starts coming toward me, just about to say something when Four comes up after him and yanks him in the opposite direction.

No one notices that I don't move while they talk, but I manage to force myself into movement when our group starts walking. I seem to be unable to look anywhere beside Caleb for a long while, only being forced to break focus when bullets start flying. In the dark I quickly lose sight of him and everyone else as I try not to get hit. I need to get to the meeting point as soon as possible or I'll be left behind.

* * *

Cara is already there when I arrive. She asks me if I saw anyone else and I shake my head, quietly looking around for any sign of others. Our wait is rewarded when Four appears and a weight in my chest shifts when I see he's dragging Caleb along with him. When the two of them reach the car, Caleb leans against it and looks exhausted. He seems to be glued in place until Cara brings a medkit to Four, and then Caleb looks at me. I feel like I should go to him, say something, but my legs decided to turn into stone at some point so I just stare at him. Luckily his legs work and I experience a curious sense of relief when Caleb starts slowly walking to me. I don't know what the emotion is that his eyes shine with, but I think he is fighting back tears.

"You." is what I say in a quiet voice when he is close enough to hear me. It's an insane reaction but just saying that makes me smile, uncertain of the rush that I'm experiencing. He smiles too but his smile is weaker than mine and could turn into a grimace any second.

Caleb exhales deeply and his head drops, forehead coming in contact with my shoulder. The way he is breathing makes me think he is about to cry, and somehow that makes me feel weak. I realize I've raised my hand but haven't touched him; I don't know where to place it. All I know is that I feel sick and with that in mind I pull Caleb to sit down with me. Only after I've sat down do I realize how powerless my legs feel, no wonder I wasn't able to move. Whatever has come over me isn't nearly as severe as what's happening to Caleb, he is downright trembling before me, his head hung low and clearly fighting back the urge to sob.

"I thought I would never see you again." he chokes out with great difficulty then lifts his head to look at me. The sincerity in his eyes makes me want to tell him... Makes me want to say that I... But I have no words to offer him. So when my words fail me I slide my hand in the grass until I find his and take hold of it like a lifeline. And I don't let go until I the others arrive.

* * *

Once we're out of the cars and Four doesn't keep him tied down to his side, Caleb finds me again. I circle around him so that he's on my right and everyone else is on my left as we walk along a set of long tracks. While the others are armed, Caleb and I were left without any means to defend ourselves so I keep a close watch on the surroundings in case quick thinking is needed.

"How are you here?" Caleb asks in a hushed tone.

"I joined the people who wanted to put an end to factionless' power." I answer, my voice quiet like his. These new surroundings have me feeling like I'm on the edge.

"And they just let you come here?" he asks again, mildly amused.

"I made a good impression." I say, flashing a grin to him and he has time to roll his eyes at me before loud noises stop us in our tracks.

* * *

The truth about the origin of our city and Divergents hits the group hard. I see Cara fighting to make sense of everything, Four looking dumber than usual, and Caleb is about ready to cry again like his entire world just crumbled before him. Well, not his world but his entire genetic makeup so I guess I wouldn't blame him if he cried now. I'm less shocked than anyone else, this isn't the first time I've been told that I'm damaged in some way so the thought of everyone else being flawed is oddly comforting.

Everyone but Tris. Of course she'd be the one to break that satisfaction, spoil my fun again.

* * *

I keep my distance from everyone as we are shown around the compound and as soon as we are left at our new living space, I claim a cot by the wall and lay down. While I don't feel shocked about this big reveal, my thoughts are still all over the place. This new revelation about our city and about this world outside of it opens up so many new possibilities and I need to figure out what that means for me. How can this benefit me?

* * *

Caleb says nothing when he joins me for breakfast, he just has the look of someone who may have missed sleep the previous night. I probably have a similar look on me, but he looks to be handling it worse than me, staring at his breakfast more than eating it.

"Do you believe it?" I ask more to break the silence than to get an answer. I think he isn't going to when he finally says: "Yes, it makes some sense."

He moves around the food on his plate before he adds: "But it is still hard to accept."

I look at him for a long while, searching for something I could say to him to make that defeated look disappear. I want to make him look more hopeful, I want to tell him that it isn't that big of a deal and it doesn't change anything he doesn't want it to change, but I can't say anything. So instead I end up avoiding him for the rest of the day. I can't comfort him, it's just not me.

* * *

I end up avoiding Caleb a lot more than I initially meant to, just because I have no way of doing anything about his suffering. I've just fallen back to expecting him to deal with it on his own and get it over with. But when the opportunity rises to go on an airplane ride, I immediately sprint back to the living area with only a single thought in mind; he can't miss this.

"Hey, you." I call out to him as soon as I spot him. "Are you coming?"

"Where?" he frowns, putting down the book he was reading.

"They are going to take us on one of those airplane machines." I say, wondering why he isn't moving already. "We'll circle our city or something."

His mouth hangs open and I swear I can hear the little gears in his head turning as thinks about how the airplanes work but there's no time for that now. I close the distance and grab his arm, pulling him on his feet and out the door to run with me.

"Come on, I don't want to be late for this." I let go of his arm only moments before we reach our destination.

* * *

I make my way to the back of the plane to get a good view from the window. Caleb sits next to me and keeps shifting nervously, I nudge his shoulder in effort to get him to lighten up a little and he grants me an uneasy smile. The take off is an amazing experience. It reminds of the ziplining we did in Dauntless, only without all the wind in your face. Once the plane steadies the view leaves me speechless. It makes an impression on Caleb too because I hear him mumble something under his breath as he leans closer to the window.

From this high up everything is like ant hills, even our city is just a dot in the dirt and seems insane that we spent our entire lives in that dot. This world is so much bigger than I ever could've imagined it to be.

"How big is it compared to everything else?" I ask to myself, and then repeat the question louder for our guide to hear it.

"The percentage is... so small as to be negligible." is the answer I receive. We really were just ants.

* * *

I used to consider studying to be strictly a Nose trait but now that I have a reason to study, I find it interesting. For few days I've spent all my time looking up information about the world and its history, learning about all the amazing places. I've been making plans where I could travel, but it's difficult to make a good plan when I simply want to go everywhere. So many possibilities, so much to see. Who knew all it took was for my city to fall for me to feel free?

* * *

I lay awake in my cot and watch as Caleb tosses in his, each turn accompanied with a whimper. He gets nightmares every night but this one sounds worse. I slide out of my cot and it only takes a touch for Caleb to stir, his eyes focusing on me in confusion. He hastily says something about not being damaged, and I silently urge him to follow me out of the room. We walk into the hall, and I stop by one of the big windows to lean against the railing. Caleb looks at me like he doesn't know why we're there.

"You were almost screaming." I note.

"Had a nightmare." he says simply and I really hope he sees me rolling my eyes at him.

"You've had a lot of them." I press, leaning toward him.

"How do you know that?" He continues to be evasive and doesn't look at me. Sometime ago I would've taken the opportunity to just skip talking, so the irony of me wanting to push him isn't lost on me.

"I sleep next to you, genius." pointing it out doesn't make him more agreeable, so I ask: "That gene thing is still bothering you?"

He immediately snaps at me and demands to know if it doesn't bother me.

"To be told that you are inferior, that you shouldn't be like that, doesn't it bother you at all?" he continues, sounding confused to why I don't get it. I almost wish I did, but having watched how much pain it brings, I think I'm better off not understanding what he is experiencing.

"This place is not the first time I've been told that I shouldn't be the way I am." I remind him, briefly wondering if he remembers those few stories I shared to him ages ago. I don't want to dwell on that, so instead I move to more cheerful territory: "But what does it matter?"

"This world is huge and we are too small to matter anything. Nothing we do really matters, does it?" I meant for that to be uplifting but the effect is opposite. He looks stumped for a second before some deep realization hits him and he is suddenly grabbing the railing with both hands, shaking all over.

"I am just a few months older than she is." His voice is strained like he has to force every word. "What happened that made her this way?" I can hear the implied "but not me?" in there.

In the past I at least understood his pain, his reasons were clear even if I couldn't feel the same. But this time I can't even see his reason and it leaves me... helpless. I should mock him, I'd do it to anyone else, but as I watch him begin to break I feel a piercing sensation in my chest and a lump in my throat.

I don't think when I move, I follow an instinct. My hand hovers over his shoulder for a moment before I drop it and instead have it slide against his side and come to a halt over his chest, with my other hand meeting it there. I press my body against his back and rest my chin on his shoulder.

I hold him until he begins to calm down, and a while after that.

* * *

Caleb never questions it when I start bringing my books and maps to wherever he decides to spend his day. On the first couple days he gave me questioning looks, like he meant to ask about it and I even coined an answer for him just in case, but he never did. Whenever he gets too wrapped up in his text, I take it upon myself to interrupt and bring him back from that. He allows it, and sometimes we look at the maps together and talk about the amazing places in the world.

He smiles more when I'm here, so I might actually be doing something right for a change. I'm thinking about asking him to travel with me, it would do good for his cluttered mind.

* * *

The entire building shakes as an explosion is heard, so I guess lunch will have to wait. I exit the cafeteria with a single person in mind, and I'm willing to bet our priced couple of the year has something to do with why everything is going down the drain again. All I can hope is that they won't drag us down with them. I duck behind a corner when I see armed, masked men appear into the hall, and among them I spot Four. I win the bet.

* * *

I'm stalking the hallways in effort to get to the living area without being detected when I spot him; Caleb lies on the floor. For a moment I think he's dead, actually ask someone in my head to grant a wish that he isn't. When I go to him I discover that he's alive but a slowly forming black-eye clues me in on why he's taking a nap in a place like this. I try to wake him but he remains motionless, which sort of worries me but we can't stay out in the open like this.

I pick him up into my arms but then I consider the fact that I might need to punch someone coming behind a corner, so both of my arms can't be occupied. I move him to my shoulder, taking a good hold of his thigh as I start running. Luckily it looks like all the masked goons have moved on from this area because I see no one anywhere.

When Caleb finally begins to wake and taps me on the back, I immediately stop and set him down. He looks disoriented but otherwise well, and grabs my arm like he thinks I'm going somewhere. I grab his in return.

"You are not hurt?" his question makes me want to laugh, the effect of it just more profound by the sight of him rubbing his head with his other hand. Sometimes he really should worry about himself first. I ask him what happened to him, my grip on him getting tighter when I think about that moment of him on the ground. "You didn't wake when I tried to wake you."

He tries to shake his head but winces at the pain and settles on a weak smile. "Never mind what happened to me, what was that explosion?" he asks instead.

"It was Four. He has found another resistance to fight for."

* * *

When I hoped that the wonder couple wouldn't drag us into their mess I should've known something so good could never happen. I have to listen Caleb of all people to lecture me about the noble reasons of why we should help them out. I try to tell him that he's insane but he doesn't care, just keeps talking about how David is planning to wipe the memories of everyone in our city. He points out that he is going to be a part of this with or without me, but that I should still consider joining as well. I know I've lost this argument the second I ask him why he thinks Tris or Four would let me join.

"You are a convincing guy, so think of something." He says matter-of-factly and I have to stop myself from laughing. He keeps looking at me, so I sigh, what's another resistance going to hurt?

"Fine." I agree slowly, rolling my eyes." But I am not returning to that city. It would be a death sentence for me." I tell him, and to avoid looking at his perfect, pleased face I lift the map in front of my face.

"Thank you, Peter." he says happily and I sigh again.

* * *

I stand by the window and look into the horizon. In my mind I already see myself there, leaving all of this behind and making my dreams into a reality. I want to see what's out there, I want to experience it. I don't want to stay here and be part of a fight that doesn't concern me. I don't care if the memories of everyone in the city are wiped, probably for the best for them anyway. I care about only looking after myself, I want to make sure I don't end up dead, everyone else can die if you ask me. I know this, I know me, so why...

Why aren't I going already?

It's because he wouldn't agree to come with me, isn't it.

* * *

Caleb is telling me how he is going to sacrifice himself for this stupid rebellion. That's such a Stiff thing to do, and I want to jump up and tell him how stupid he is. He could have something better if he just let go off that insane guilt he keeps pandering to. But he talks quietly, he pleads me with his eyes to understand and I just sit quietly.

When his pleading becomes too much I look at my hands instead of him, watching as my fingers form fists. If I went and punched Four or Tris, would that help? Probably not, but maybe it would make me feel something other than what's inside me right now.

"Why couldn't the Stiff do it, other serums don't work so why would this one be any different?" I ask once Caleb stops talking, and my voice is even when I feel like it should be shaking.

"The risk is too high." He claims. "If it does work then I've just stood by and let my little sister die, I can't do that, Peter."

I stand up fast, glaring at him and I'm already ready to tell him that he shouldn't give a crap about Tris, she sure doesn't care about him. But the sight of him hurting makes me feel sick.

"Should have pumped her with the real thing back in Erudite and seen if it works or not." I say coldly. When he looks away I expect him to reason this out, but as he looks at me again his expression hasn't changed.

"Peter, I have to do this." He says and before I get the chance to argue, he adds: "I owe her this."

There's a burning sensation in my eyes, and I can't make it stop. It's an instinct when my hand shoots to grab him by his neck; I pull him toward me and force his forehead against mine. He is startled by the action but doesn't resist me and I feel my strength leave me. I never could comfort him, it just wasn't in me. He is going to do this.

When I can't look at him any longer I close my eyes and let my fingers caress his neck with a gentleness I wasn't sure I was capable of. I feel wetness in my eyes but I hope he doesn't notice.

"Fine." is all I can say to him without my voice betraying me, and I feel his hand come up to my shoulder.

* * *

I've never felt so ill without there being physically something wrong with me. I don't know what's going on but I don't tell anyone about it. Instead I wait for it to stop, but it doesn't. I'm suffocating whenever I see Caleb, whenever I think about what he said, and I want this to stop. I just need to figure out how, and I think... I think Four has a way out for me.

* * *

Wasn't too difficult to convince them that I wanted to come to the city too, but somehow I was unable to tell Caleb about it. But now that my departure is only moments away, I find myself racing to where I know he'll be. One last time.

"I'm going back to the city." I say as soon as I see him. He doesn't need to know, but I want him to.

"But you said..." He starts, frowning and he still doesn't get what all of this is.

"Times have changed." I wanted to smile but couldn't, and he puts two and two together.

"You don't have to do this." Caleb tries, which is hilarious considering his speech about needing to do things. He must not appreciate the irony because he looks like he wants to talk me down from a ledge.

"I do." I say simply and start backing away, if I don't go I'll be left behind.

"Peter." he cries out and despite my effort not to, I still at the sound. "I'm sorry I never repaid you for everything you did for me."

I turn my head to the side, finding his claim absurd. This guy has no idea what he did for me, what he... was to me. Slowly, I say: "But you did."

"How?" he asks, and I see the desperation. He wants me to tell him, but I need to leave. I only have one more thing to say to him before I exit the room.

"You know how, Caleb."

He'll die without knowing, and maybe it's best for the both of us.

* * *

Okay, so I might have gotten a little desperate and tried to take the memory serum with force from Four. That was a mistake, I got my ass handed to me. But lucky me, he has a soft spot left and agreed to give me the serum when the stupid mission is done. So I sit in the hallway and wait for him to come out of his family reunion with his mom, and I think about everything that has lead me here. The clock tells me that by now Caleb is already dead and the thought makes me want to vomit even though my stomach is empty.

When Four comes out, he keeps his word and gives me the serum with a question if I'm sure about it and mock encouragement that I could just turn my life around. For a moment I consider telling him why he's wrong and why I need to forget but he doesn't deserve to know how I feel. When Four asks me what he should tell me after the serum takes effect, I shake my head. I don't want to remember any of this, I want all this hurt to be gone forever, just like he is. I drink the serum and exhale.

I close my eyes and the last thing I see is Caleb's image as everything begins to fade away.

He smiles for me, and my heart doesn't hurt any longer.


End file.
